Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend tells us everything we need to know about how to set healthy limits in our relationships. Firm boundaries are important in every aspect of our lives.

Many feel afraid or guilty about setting boundaries, but appropriate boundaries are crucial for personal growth and happiness in relationships. 

A life without good boundaries is full of stress, turmoil, and pressure. If we can’t tell people no when they are demanding or have unrealistic expectations of us, we are headed for big trouble. Not only do our relationships suffer, but we become stuck in situations where we’re overworked, under-appreciated, and just plain taken for granted. It’s not that other folks deliberately try to make our lives harder to manage. The problem lies in the fact that we haven’t set appropriate boundaries with them.

God expects us to take responsibility for our lives and set limits in our relationships. We shouldn’t feel bad or guilty when we set boundaries. He does it, and so should we. Even if we never learned what it’s like to have healthy boundaries, it doesn’t mean we can’t get the support we need now to make our lives easier. Help is available to those who truly want to change their lives for the better.

In this summary, you will learn:

  • that there is no need to feel hopeless for change in relationships;
  • steps to learn how to set limits with others; and
  • we no longer have to be prisoners of either our own or other people’s expectations of us.

Knowing how to set appropriate boundaries is essential to a productive, well-managed life.

At times, we all feel a bit stressed about the demands on our time and attention, and that’s normal. But when those demands start to overwhelm us, we become over-stressed and emotionally drained. Dealing with home, work, kids, church, and other activities can leave us exhausted. After all, it takes a lot of effort to satisfy everyone. When we have a lack of healthy boundaries with others, we’ll find it’s only a matter of time before everything becomes too much for us to handle.

When we have too much responsibility placed on our shoulders and our people-pleasing tendencies get in the way of taking ownership of our lives, we need to stop and make some definite changes in the way we interact with others and manage our time. We need to set boundaries with people and learn to say no to taking on tasks that aren’t our responsibility. Christians especially need to understand what the Bible says about setting healthy boundaries.

Just like it’s important to set and recognize physical boundaries, it is also important to set intangible or spiritual ones. We must know where our boundaries begin and end in order to have a sense of balance in our lives. Otherwise, we end up in spiritual and mental turmoil. Also, remember that the only person we have control over is ourselves and nobody else.

We have a responsibility to help carry other people’s burdens but not to carry their load (Galatians 6:2, 5). A burden is something too hard to handle on our own, whereas a load is what we are personally responsible for every day. What we need to do is develop boundaries with fences. This allows us to keep helpful and lovely stuff inside but helps keep things that are harmful outside. Also, fences allow us to be able to open up to others when we need to, such as during confession or when someone has something beneficial to offer us.

There are plenty of types of boundaries. For instance, we set them with our words or by distancing ourselves in a geographical or emotional sense. We should never be afraid to set appropriate boundaries in our lives. There should also be consequences if someone invades them.

It’s our responsibility to own certain aspects of our lives. For example, we are in charge of our feelings,  attitudes, and beliefs but also our behaviors, choices, and values. Likewise, we are responsible for setting limits both internally and with other people, as well as for our talents, thoughts, desires, and for accepting and returning love.

Different folks have different boundary issues, and you should know what yours are.

People face certain problems when dealing with boundaries. For instance, compliant people say yes to everything because they don’t want to cause conflict. And they get stuck in situations that either they shouldn’t or don’t really want to be in. They have different reasons for not saying no to requests that are harmful to them. For example, they may be afraid of being punished or being seen as selfish.

Avoidant people are good at keeping others at arm’s length and putting up walls so nobody can get in to help them. They are willing to care for others’ needs but not their own. This often disappoints others because they want to help their avoidant friend who won’t let them.

Other people with boundary problems are known as “aggressive controllers.” They refuse to take no for an answer and bully or manipulate people in order to get their way. Controllers don’t take ownership over their own problems. They expect everyone else to solve them for them. They are forceful and tend to push people away who originally wanted to help them but who couldn’t take the pressure of doing so.

Closely related to the aggressive controllers are “manipulative controllers.” These individuals use their charms to talk people into giving them what they want. They’ll even use guilt in their tactics. These people must be confronted with their dishonest motives if they’re ever going to change.

Some are nonresponsive to the needs of others, such as when a husband ignores his wife’s pleas for help. While he isn’t responsible for her feelings, he is in charge of how he treats her. Husbands and wives are supposed to be sensitive and loving toward one another and provide emotional support when needed. But if a spouse is nonresponsive, they don’t do any of that.

Finally, there are “functional” and “relational” boundary issues. A person with good functional boundaries has the discipline to finish projects or other tasks with no problem, whereas a person with relational boundaries is good at maintaining healthy and truthful relationships.

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